I am NOT on Kanye's Workout Plan

(Warning: this post has been rated PG-13 because I discuss, among other things, dog pee. There. I said it.)

Of my single-digit audience, there are some of you I haven't seen in some time. Thanks to the miracles of a Japanese diet (or, more precisely, my diet in Japan), I lost 15 to 20 pounds in the last year. I am trying to continue that by having an exercise regimen, but it has been stop and start for some time. One of those spurts of activity happened when I walked my dog, Kristie, for roughly two hours last night. While that may sound impressive, it wasn't even 5 miles. That's right, I checked the route. I'm such a dork.

Anyhow, I moved so slowly because my dog was stopping every 50 feet to smell something. Normally, I begrudge her this, because she's probably bored with the smells around my parents' home and yard. Lord knows I have. However, she often follows up her olfactory excursions by peeing. This always boggled my mind. She isn't like one of those people who has to get off the highway every half hour, so why does she have to take a leak every few minutes whenever we walk?

Suddenly, it hits me. It's like when Keanu is looking at Matrix code and talking with Cypher. I'm seeing blades of grass, lampposts, and fire hydrants, when, as best as I can represent, this is what Kristie is thinking:

"Hmm, beagle, german shepherd, ooh, chocolate lab! I wonder if it's true what they say..."

So, the walk I am going on is just a doggie dating service! And her pee must be like her leaving her phone number! Considering how much my dog gave out her number, I'm glad she's spayed. She would be such a slut.