It's been a damn long time since my last confession

On Wednesday, I turned on the Cubs game in the 7th inning. Not one minute later, Derrek Lee sandwiched his wrist between himself and Rafael Furcal. Two months. I feel partially responsible. To all proper Cubs fans, I'm sorry. It's my fault, not the Onion's.

That coffee is like making love in a canoe

I just finished David Sedaris's Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim... as an audio book. I chose this undertaking because I drive a minimum of 100 minutes every weekday, and figured I could plow through somebody else reading the book for me in a reasonable amount of time. I only wish I had thought of this sooner, as I only have three weeks left in the semester, and the summer session doesn't start until June. I think Cold Mountain or the Da Vinci Code are next for me.

I've only read Me Talk Pretty One Day, but it allowed me to make some observations about this audio book, which was narrated by Sedaris. I have yet to attend any of his readings, but I now understand that he wasn't kidding about his voice. Fortunately, he has overcome the lisp he had as a child (except when I heard him say "tapas").

Sedaris's impression of his brother is amazing. I knew Paul had a proclivity for profanity, but I never considered that North Carolina would corrupt his accent. (Sedaris referred to Paul's Southern drawl in Dress Your Family..., but I don't recall this being mentioned in Me Talk Pretty...)

As a former expat (or should that be repat?), I especially enjoyed the discussion about ridiculous cultural comparisons in "Six to Eight Black Men." I can't remember how a rooster call sounds in Japanese. I am bothered enough to want to call somebody in Japan to find out right now.

So...yeah, read this.

"My word of the day" or "I have a dirty mind"

Ladies and gentleman, micturate. Checking the synonyms, I see that you can use "make" in this sense, especially with regard to animals. I love language.

Here's a bonus dictionary.com link. Read the word history for internecine, which I have subtitled, "Samuel Johnson's boner."

a threat of violence

I think I will clock the next person I see wearing this logo on a hat.

Hopefully, it will be the sunglasses-wearing eponym donning that cap.

Watch out, more baseball...

Well, reading last week's SI, I find out that the Unwritten Rules of Sport were, indeed, written down. By none other than their second-best magazine columnist, Rick Reilly. In 1995. Checking my watch, that is six years before certain events instigated by members the San Diego Padres occurred.

Looking back, 2001 was such a weird season. 73 home runs. 116 wins. Mr. November. A four-year old franchise becoming the champs. Potential contraction.

And the White Sox. Such comedy. Consider these events.

David Wells admitted to Bryant Gumbel he was hungover the day of his perfect game (which he denied years later upon the release of his book). Jeff Liefer (now of the 西武 Lions) and Jose Canseco (now of the Surreal Life) thought they were legitimate everybody players. (That summer, I witnessed Canseco's 199th steal firsthand. You'll have to pry that memory from my cold, dead hands.) Frank Thomas tearing his tricep while diving for a ball in his third game at first base. And best of all, the complete self-destruction of 90% of the pitching staff. Dusty Baker has nothing on the work of Jerry Manuel and Nardi Contreras. And they still won 83 games after a 14-29 start.

Stop the presses! Hold the phone! Don't touch that dial!

Hehe, Internet archaeologists will have no idea what that title means.

Anyways, due to clamoring from various sources, I set up a new section that links to photo albums. Unfortunately, I have not gotten around to putting my own photos on the World. Wide. Web. For now, you will have to make do with the albums set up by my ex.

In conclusion, this is an update, but not really an update. We now return you to your regularly scheduled drivel.

First Blair, then MIller, now Shortz?!?

Always good to have a reminder that I'm still a young'un. I had never thought about the etymology of "scumbag" (cue up GI Joe or NBC's "The More You Know" music). Coincidentally, I was informing some people at work this week about the origin of the word "gyp."

Haven't had much to say lately...

...so I will write about what I've done lately.

Although this opinion has been expressed to me ad infinitum by some people, this week's episode of Gilmore Girls has compelled me to do the same here. Rory's a bitch.

I started this about a month ago, so I think it's safe to say this and not jinx my, dare I say, routine. I'm actually waking up at 6:30 and running in the mornings. After two weeks, I was already noticing a difference, although I run for less than 20 minutes and little more than a mile. We'll see if my knee holds up. (Thankfully, I have never had shin splints.) (Knocking furiously on wood.)

Like a total jackass, I put 1200 miles on my car during spring break, in trips to Indiana, and every town in Iowa home to a state university. During that time, I made curry (Japanese), did somebody else's dishes, drank too much, played with a 34-month old (twice), and dined at the illustrous Legends in Ames, a seventh floor restaurant from which you can see the skyline of ISU. I saw mostly sky. (Thank you, thank you, the 9:30 is completely different from the 7:30; it gets a little blue.)

Work has been pretty good, albeit lazy at times. I find that I can never guess anybody's age anymore, and I find that these students are my age more often than the folks fresh out of high school.

One of my students (at least my age) is trying to learn basic geometry concepts and doing poorly. I had always attributed it to poor study habits and work ethic, but I've learned there is a more substantial reason. Last night, when asked 7 times 4, he replied, "I don't know that off the top of my head." He has been trying to calculate the area of a rectangle without rote knowledge of the multiplication tables.

Next Friday, there is no school because of, get this, "Reading Day." Gotta love those Christians. I'm sure there will be lots of reading.

Way better than the squirrel on water skis

Watch this. Now.